Do Your Part! Report Unlicensed Elvis Tribute Artists!
Graceland wants to require Elvis Tribute Artists to have official licensing. This isn’t a good idea. It’s a great idea. That’s the difference between an Elvis impersonator and an Elvis Tribute Artist (ETA) Graceland has been cracking down on ETA’s, especially at Vegas wedding chapels. The sacrament of marriage is still sacred, Goddamn it!
It’s one for the money. Two for the dough. Three to get money, now go cash, go!
Elvis Licensing is important, not only to the performer, but also to the paying public. If one doesn’t have quality or control, then how can they have quality control? Proper Elvis licensing offers:
Population Control. This prevents the classic “too many Elvises and not enough Colonel Parkers” scenario.
Quality Control. This will prevent hacks like Dread Zeppelin from taking the King’s name in vain with some crazy ass litigation. At Elvis Univercity, students will learn how to walk backwards (never turn your back on an audience), take upper lip sneering workshops, and vibrato singing lessons. This ensures a safe, regulated, Presley-approved experience for the whole family. Without proper training, a rookie might start asking the audience for their scarves back after the show. Can we say ‘amateur hour’?
Peace of Mind. What if the hunka hunka burning love starts to spread? Can you trust a scab Elvis to be fire safety certified? Licensed ETAs are certified every three years.
How to know if a Tribute Artist is licensed:
- Look for the ear identification tag, which could be hard to spot if the ETA is wearing in-ear monitors or ear muffs.
- Check for a certificate of graduation from E.U. at the DJ station, probably next to a tin of Pomade.
- Inspect the back of their neck for a barcode tattoo.
- Ask them. If they start running, be suspicious.
Do NOT attempt to detain illegal Elvi on your own!
Elvis karate can be lethal, and I’d say a good 90% of Faux Kings are packing heat. (The better ones have guns with pearl handles.)
Let the professionals with no kill traps baited with barbituate-laced peanut butter and banana sandwiches take care of it.
Report all unlicensed Elvis tribute sightings to firstname.lastname@example.org. Then rat out your neighbors for smoking weed and stealing cable while you’re at it. Why not?
Thank you. Thank you very much.