You decide! Which Religion Produces the Best Musicians?

Mormonism

Representative: The Osmond Brothers Band

Song: Crazy Horses

Check out a young, presumably uncaffeinated Donny Osmond crushing it on keys! All his brothers look like recessive prototypes of him, just like with me and my older brothers.

Islam

Representative: Mdou Moctar

Song: Afrique Victime

They don’t call this dude the muslim Hendrix just becuase he is also a left handed guitar player. The guy is a maniac. And like Hendrix, his entire band’s shreds too. Even the venerable Marky Ramone would struggle to keep this pace up. (“Hold my spaghetti sauce . . .”)

Buddhism

Representative: Dharma (Taiwan)

Song: No freaking clue.

Satan, you look like you put on weight! Were you hanging out with Buddah again?

Famous Buddhist converts include David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, John Cage, and Adam Youch from the Beastie Boys.

Paganism

Representative: Dar Williams

Song: “The Christians and the Pagans.”

I don’t know how Dar brought the christians and the pagans to the same table, but I bet ten bucks that whatever she served them was vegan and gluten free.

Methodist

Representative: Nina Simone

Song: Mississippi Goddamn.

Her mom was a preacher. As if you couldn’t tell. She used His name in vain after four children were killed in a racially motivated church bombing.

Catholicism

Representative: The Innocence Mission

Song: Warm as Yellow

Featuring Lancaster County Pennsylvania’s finest guitar player/ teacher Don Paris and his wife Karen on vocals, the Innocence Mission were always a treat to see live at the Chameleon Club (RIP). I was in a band that shared a rehearsal building with them and they were always super nice to us and everyone else.

Born Again Christians

Representative: Jermey Enigk (Sunny Day Real Estate)

Song: Return of the Frog Queen

Nothing like a good mental breakdown to cause a hotel room conversion.

Atheism

Representative: XTC

Song: Dear God

Apparently, Andy Partridge isn’t very appreciative of his God-given musical talents and used them to write a song against Him. What a dick!

Satanism

Representative: Ghost

Song: Secular Haze

When it comes to being Satanists, they guys are the Satan-IST. These guys really walk the walk and talk the talk, with songs that are downright pretty. That’s how they lure you in. They use the dark lord’s honey instead of Beelzebub’s wicked vinegar.

Church of the Subgenius

Representative: Devo

Song: Uncontrollable Urge

If you don’t know, now you do. Devo believes that man didn’t evolve from apes. They believe we de-evolved from those hairy superior lifeforms.

“I don’t practice what I preach, because I’m not the sort of man I’m preaching to.” J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, leader of the Church of the Subgenius.

Hare Kirshna

Representative: The Cro-Mags

Song: We Gotta Know

The kings of Krishna-core, up to their usual hijinks.

Scientology

Representative: The Apollo Stars

Song: You need to hear the whole damn record.

All the players were hired guns. L Ron Hubbard was a huge jazz fan and engineered the record himself, so there is some crazy panning shit straight from the planet Xenu.I like to picture Tom Cruise rocking out to this on the treadmill.

Judaism

Representatives: Buddy Rich and Sammy Davis Jr.

Song: Dance/drum battle

Judaism might have been represented by the The Beastie Boys or Leonard Cohen, but as you remember from the Buddhism section, Ad-Rock and Leonard converted.

So, instead, you get Buddy Rich and Sammy Davis Junior locked in a drum/tap dancing battle in a three way battle against a very stoned gentile, Mr. Gene Krupa. Who wins? Everybody.

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I live in Philly with my wife Lisa and pug Phil Collins and run www.nextinlinemagazine.com.

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Steve Levandoski

Steve Levandoski

I live in Philly with my wife Lisa and pug Phil Collins and run www.nextinlinemagazine.com.

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